I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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