my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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