Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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