A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
