Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
