Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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