he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
