he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
