I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Porn is love you can see.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
