Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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