you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
