Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
