i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
