Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
