its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
