So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
