I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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