highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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