Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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