Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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