God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I haven't been this sober since birth.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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