I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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