ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
