I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I want to walk on stilts...naked
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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