i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
