his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
