May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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