You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
