i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
