the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
