just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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