Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
