i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
