I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
