Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
