and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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