'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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