I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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