Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
