I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
