Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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