I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
