Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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