woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
