when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
