I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
