dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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