He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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