somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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