don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
