I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
