hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
