i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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